Am I old?

Am I old?

I don’t feel old, not really. But have I grown old?

As I write this, I’m in my late 50’s. That fact alone may answer the question, for some. I have more health issues than I used to, that’s true. I find I look at some things in terms of the value of what I receive versus the energy I have to expend to receive it. Some may tell me that this answers my question as well.

But here’s the thing: I don’t feel ‘old’. I feel as though I’ve experienced a fair bit of life, and that’s a different feeling. I feel like I’ve learned a few things, about living life, about what’s important and what’s not, about how to let go of things that earlier in my life I refused to. And that’s what makes me ask the question. Am I old, or have I just begun to understand the long view of life?

If I’m honest -and I am, or try to be, always- I have to admit that there are times when my energy for a given day becomes exhausted, and that didn’t used to happen. Maybe once a month, I’ll find myself dozing off for thirty minutes or an hour in the evening, and that didn’t used to happen, either. So it seems clear that the boundless energy reserves of my youth are ebbing, and that’s probably a sign of the lengthening stream of years which have passed beneath the bridge. I can’t deny that truth. Does that make me old?

I understand now that hate and envy are blinders, which keep me focused on the wrong parts of life. I understand that rage burns me, not the other person. I understand that for all my filth and sin, Almighty God still wants me in His heaven. That makes me feel young, and valued, and loved. I understand that things are going to get worse, because God says in His Word that they will. So I don’t worry as much about the way my American society seems to be crumbling around me. I carried that burden throughout much of my life; I don’t feel it nearly as much anymore. My understanding of the things around me, of the way in which life unfolds, has grown, and continues to grow.

So perhaps the answer depends on how I choose to define “old”. By many standards of my little world, by the larger society around me…I am, in fact, old. Shall I choose to let that define me? To some extent, that’s not up to me. I am at the mercy of those with power, with authority over me. But to the extent I have the ability to define myself, I think I will continue to choose to see most of my life as not old. I say ‘most of my life’, because I don’t mind not helping friends move to a new home anymore, or not changing my own oil, or not being expected to run anywhere. I’m not opposed to taking occasional advantage of some of the benefits of having seen as much of life as I have. I miss hiking, which I did a little of during the misspent days of my youth, and just wandering in the woods. (A friend of mine is a stringer, a person who takes photographs, typically of local high school sporting events, or car accidents, or fires, and sells them to newspapers or websites. He laughingly commented, “Years ago I’d steal a glance or take a quick photo of the cheerleaders. Then nobody thought anything of it, but now I’m ‘Creepy Old Guy’!”) It’s interesting, and sometimes depressing, how merely the passage of years has affected how I’m perceived. I’m still the same guy, more or less. But the way others view me is different than in the days when I was twenty-five.

I choose to view myself as experienced. Older in years, yes, but perhaps a better consumer of the years that are to come. Hopefully a little wiser, as a result of the days I’ve already lived. A little slower on the video game trigger, but smarter about how to battle the bosses. A better person because of what my Lord has taught me, and maybe less concerned about the things that happen along the way, because I know He is control. I know where my final destination is, and I know I’ll be welcomed with loving arms when I get there. And that’s something to look forward to.

…You’re Here For Them

If you think God is all about Sunday mornings, you’re doing it wrong.

Your religion, whatever belief system you choose to believe in, is a code of instructions for how to live your life.  That’s the life you live 24/7/365.  So if you think your religious beliefs don’t apply at the office, or in traffic, or in personal relationships, you’re doing it wrong.

I was sitting in church one morning a a while back.  The church itself is a beautiful one, lovely southwestern buildings set in a well-heeled urban environment, perched on the side of a hill with mountain views all around. Sometimes, in the evenings, I’ve come by to take pictures at sunset, or to commune with God while wandering quietly through the campus.  This particular morning I was there for worship.  It was before the services had begun, and as I sat there watching people trickle in, friends greeting friends, servants preparing for the service to come, I was thinking about God.  I was offering small prayers, thinking about what I have learned about Him, contemplating what He desires for me and from me, and as I was doing so, a thought came upon me like a thunderbolt.

“They’re not here for you.  You’re here for them.”

I don’t know what the voice of God sounds like; I don’t know if I’ve ever heard it.  But this thought appeared in my mind with such incredible power and clarity that I’m willing to consider that I might have.  Like many aspects of God, I believe there are layers of meaning to this idea.  But there is at least one meaning that is crystal clear: I was not put on this earth to take, I was put here to give.

There are many, many ways to give.  Many of them are small ways.  I’d like to make the world a better place for my having passed through it.  I’ve heard it said that we’re no more than three generations away from being completely forgotten.  (Think about it; what do you know about your great-grandmother?)  I’m not interested in making my ‘mark’ on things.  I’ll have no legacy.  I recall thinking the other night that perhaps what I’d like thought about me when I’m gone is that I was worth putting up with.  I just want to be a tiny positive force in the world.

I’ve previously addressed my belief that selfishness and greed are rampant in my nation today, and are at the root of many of our ills.  Giving opposes that.  And there are many ways to give.  Money comes to mind immediately, but it’s only one method, and by far not the best one.  (Time is costless yet priceless.  It cannot be purchased, and yet must be spent.  When you give of your time, you give of your life.  You give something that no-one else in the entire world has to offer.  Consider then how you choose to spend the time you are given.)  You can give of your expertise, or your experience, or of the sweat of your brow.  You can give to one person, or to a group of many.  You can give all day long, in many tiny ways.  You can find ways to give that cost you little but can make a huge difference to another person.  You can give of your emotions, or of your willingness to listen, or of your desire to share.  You can make a difference, or be content to merely make things better than they were before you gave.

If you choose to give of yourself, your time, talent or treasure, you must accept that you’re going to get taken advantage of.  Some people will see you as a ‘mark’.  It’s going to happen.  But how you respond to that situation is up to you.  I’ve found it to be good advice to not let other people make your decisions for you.  By that I mean, don’t respond in kind, don’t treat the other the way they treated you.  When someone cuts you off in traffic, or takes advantage of you, cuts in front of you in line, or belittles you verbally, how you choose to respond is up to you; don’t give that freedom to choose away by simply responding in kind.  And don’t let their cruelty and short-sightedness change who and what you are.

So that’s the thought that was given to me.  “They’re not here for you.  You’re here for them.”  And now it’s been given to you, Gentle Reader.  What will you choose to do with it?  No-one knows you were here today.  No-one knows you read this post.  You’re free to ignore this thought, and go on with your life.  Or you can choose to give; something, somewhere, to someone.  Maybe to choose to continue to give, to make it an ongoing part of your life.  Times like this are when you decide who you are, who you are going to become.  So…

When That Time Comes…

Understanding can be an ephemeral thing.  What we see at night may not be what we see in the light of day.  What we see through a gray mist may not correspond to what we view gazing upon the same scene in bright sunshine.  Our perceptions of a thing standing next to it may be changed by viewing it from several thousands of feet in the air.  What we perceive as truth from one point of view may not be true from another point of view.

I’ve come to understand that this last bit of wisdom seems to apply to many truths from the Bible.  As one grows in faith, one begins to perceive things differently, both in one’s views about this world, and also in one’s views of God’s Word.  I have come to understand that God sees things differently than we do, here, in this limited vantage point.  And if one accepts God as, well, God, one is obliged to also accept that when one’s point of view differs from God’s point of view, one changes one’s point of view.  This can, and does, affect our perceptions of truth.

One of the ways in which my own way of viewing the things around me has changed involves the passage of time.  I flatter myself into believing that I do not write this blog for merely my own amusement, that there are at least one or two others who also gaze upon it from time to time.  My sparse and erratic schedule of updating it surely has not encouraged such behavior.  And yet, I persist in this attitude.  Were I to check on the statistics for this page, my perceptions might change, and that would make it yet another example of how we can understand the same thing differently, depending on circumstances.  Time, or its passage, can be a powerful modifier of one’s point of view.  Now, as I make my way through the middle ages (hopefully) of my life, I do not perceive many things as I did in the fiery, busy days of my youth.  I see value in things that I never used to, and have seen things that I once valued greatly lose much or even all of their value to me, as I have been changed by the years that have gone by.  Time changes us, and through us, it changes both the world around us, and how we perceive that world.

Some months ago, I learned of a musical group that inhabits an genre of music the existence of which I was completely unaware.  As I have been a lifelong fan of music in general, the fact of my ignorance took me somewhat by surprise.  The group would perhaps be better described as a music production company, and the genre for which they create their music is a fairly small one, yet it is likely you have heard their work.  The genre is music created exclusively for movie and video game trailers, and the production company is called Two Steps From Hell.  An unsettling name, to be sure, and yet their music is unlike anything I’ve ever heard.  But if you’ve watched the video game trailer for “Mass Effect 3“, or watched the movie trailers for “The Dark Knight“, “Star Trek“, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes“, “No Country For Old Men“, “The Fighter“, any of the recent Harry Potter movies or dozens of other high-profile ‘blockbuster’ movies and most recently “Cloud Atlas“, you’ve heard their work.

Most of their albums have only been released within the industries in which they work, and so the vast body of their work is difficult or impossible for the public to gain access to.  But a few days ago as I write this, they released a new album to the public, called “SkyWorld“.  As usual, I was completely taken by several of the tracks, but one in particular has grown on me, until I found myself possessed by it.  The track is called “Back To The Earth“.  When I first listened to it, I wasn’t sure I liked it.  But after listening to the entire album, it was the first piece I went back and listened to a second time.  It is unlike almost all of their other music, and so I would encourage listening to a wider selection before deciding whether to purchase SkyWorld.  (That said, I do strongly recommend purchasing the album.)  But this song found a place inside me, and began to resonate there.  In the days since then, I haven’t listened to anything but this one song, over and over.

And this is where your perceptions, Gentle Reader, may differ from mine.  If you have lived only a tender number of years on this green Earth, then I think this song may reach you differently than it has me.  When I listen to it, I hear a yearning, an exceptional beauty, a sadness, I hear a mental image of…something…that I view with a certain sepia tone, granted or cursed upon me by the passage of many years.  I don’t think young ears can hear it, unless they have heard many, many other things first.  Perhaps I’m wrong; I hope so, as I would like the whole world to feel the things I have felt since I began listening to it.  And my perceptions have been changing, and they continue to change.  But the truth is, I can no longer tell whether it is my perceptions of the music changing….or if it is me doing the changing, because of what I’m hearing.

Somewhere amongst the third or fourth hearing, I found myself in tears, which surprised me at the time.  It isn’t a “sad” song, in the traditional sense.  Or perhaps what I should say is, I frankly have no fixed idea of what the song is actually about.  I have listened to the words closely, but I have yet to determine the subject of the piece.  But that’s alright, as the words don’t necessarily convey what meaning I have found in it, or at least not all of it.  And the meaning continues to grow, as I continue to listen to the music over and over and over again.  And that’s in the nature of things; meaning can change, as we change, as we age, as we love, and hate, and forgive.

The one thing I do know is that when my time on this Earth is done, and the Good Lord has called me away from friends and family and back home to be with Him…..I’d like this song played at my funeral.  There are, and have been, others I’d like played as well.  But now…this one will be included.  Whatever other meanings it has now or may have for me in the future, there is something about it that speaks to me of loss, and sadness, and wishes, and the yearning for something better.  Those things are all present at that final ceremony which marks the ending of a life.  When my turn comes as surely it will, this is one of the songs I want to accompany me on that journey.